how old do you feel on the inside?

this question has been increasingly fascinating to me for about a year now. i've asked most of my friends and a lot acquaintances in an effort to get to know them better.
for a long time, my answer was that i felt 15- my reason being primarily that i am continually shocked by things that those around me appear to be unmoved by. it's been a humbling feeling; somehow everyone has already said, heard, or done everything there is to be said, heard, or done, andi'm only in time for the re-runs. and i'm shocked and delighted and horrified and speechless while others look on undaunted.
it's made me feel naive and inexperienced, and yet also a little confused when i think about some of the thingsi've gone through that could qualify me to be more "experienced" than some of my peers.
and so, subconsciously, i have pushed myself to grow up, wise up, and learn the ways of the world. funny how having your heart devastatingly shattered gets the ball rolling down that road. no more naivete; fool me once....etc.
so i listened. i watched. i saw the pain that lives in everyone's eyes, the hurt we all hold onto in some sort of quiet desperation. the hurt we foster and nurture and get to know better than we know ourselves. i concluded that life is rarely beautiful, hardly ever happy, and largely routine. i see the ways that we cope; humour,
alcohol, sex, isolation....
consequently, i learned to harden myself. i learned to distance myself from the pain that i saw. i taught myself to talk about feelings without feeling them. to talk about pain in a cold, factual manner.
i started to feel like an 80 year old trapped in a 21 year old's body.

now...where does that leave me now?
what i want most right now is to just be 21, whatever that means. i don't want to return to my youthful unknowingness, nor do i think that an actual possibility, but i also don't want to continue in the pattern i've set for myself. i'm 21 years old, and i shouldn't have to feel like i constantly have to prove myself to myself and to everyone around me. i want to live each day and feel at peace with where the Lord has me right now.
i used to try to look down the road and freak out because i had no idea what the future held, but i don't think i'm meant to live that way- I think we're meant to live in the present, keeping in mind the lessons of the past and the consequences our
present decisions have on our futures, but mainly to just look to God to lead us each day and each step of the way in each choice we make.



what i'm saying is...let's learn to act our ages.

for Tony

Tone-dog: here are the besties, but there's plenty more where thee came from, so let me know if you want to see the rest! Click each image to enlarge it, then save that version. I did some minor editing but not much, so let me know if you want me to touch up the lighting at all- I though you might prefer it a bit dark/moody, so I kept the amber light instead of brightening/neutralizing it.

this is my masterpiece; I think it's a total of 5 pictures into 1. Click it to enlarge...

and just because:

seattle!

my best friend emily is sick today, so i decided to walk down to one of my favorite seattle spots, the cupcake royale. i chose the "coconut bunny" today. mmmm!

so i was reading Through Painted Deserts until i absent-mindedly left it in the seat pocket of the airplane i came in on. i hate when i do things like that....but i've decided that someone who is seeking the truth will stumble upon it and find Jesus. that is wonderful consolation.
since i was in need of a new book to read during my trip, i picked up a copy of The Radical Reformission by mark driscoll. if you haven't heard of him, he's the speaking pastor at Mars Hill church here in Seattle. Definitely worth checking out his books/podcasts. In the introduction of the radical reformission, he stresses the importance of being "theologically conservative yet culturally liberal," which i find fascinating.

on a completely different note, my friend carrie recommended a fun site to me- this guy called The Sartorialist travels around the world and takes pictures of people on the street with interesting styles. If you're not interested in fashion, the photography itself is worth a look.